Updated: Apr 13, 2020
Are you spending your life thinking this isn’t it, there is something missing, one day everything will magically turn out better and then I can live life to the full as I want to.
You’re not alone, many of us do that, not knowing that we are actually holding ourselves back.
By resisting what is, we are actually sabotaging ourselves subconsciously. We sink deeper into wishful thinking, complaining and waiting for something better to come along, often blaming others instead of taking action for our own goals.
If we are waiting constantly for things to turn out better by themselves, we can ignore or miss opportunities that present themselves, we wait for life to happen to us not for us. When we wait for challenges to solve themselves, or that someone or something else will solve our problems for us, this gives us an excuse to not engage fully in the present and holds us back in life.
How many times have you waited for that perfect holiday one day, a promotion at work but keep getting passed over, the ideal partner who never knocks on your door.
We create excuses. There is always a reason why we hold ourselves back.
Have you considered that it might be YOU, holding yourself back?
The Vicious Cycle of Giving up
When we want something but we believe we can’t have it, we think up of many reasons why we can’t have it and we hold ourselves back, withdrawing from the situation (or person).
Our mind is always working against us, giving us reasons why we can’t achieve our goals. This can create conflict between the heart and the mind and many of us choose to listen to the mind. The emotional fear of something going wrong or not working out as we dreamed is too much. So we take the easy option and don’t even try.
The mind reconfirms that we can’t have what we want, we don’t have enough money, we’re not good enough, we’re not attractive, nobody loves me or I’m not worthy. As these build up they tend to undermine our confidence and sabotage our dreams one way or another.
So if you are the kind of person who tends to think you can’t achieve something and therefore you give up before even trying or testing the waters to see where it takes you, you will never reach your goal or at least not to the full extent of what you desire.
Giving up also reconfirms that the outcome that you want won’t happen.
We are then left with disappointment and dissatisfaction and the negative looping thoughts begin again.
There are common ways that we hold ourselves back
1. You don’t stand up for yourself
Do you speak your truth, especially if it needs to be said out loud? If not, then set your standards and show people how they should treat you as you treat others. Others will not respect you if you do not respect yourself.
If someone doesn’t treat you the way that you deserve, no matter how uncomfortable it feels, you should always address that person.
Are you always there for yourself? are you showing up for your life as you mean it?
2. You withdraw from relationships
Being fully present in a relationship means that you clearly communicate honestly what you want and you listen to what your partner wants. If you hold back in a relationship you withdraw if there is a misunderstanding or even if your partner does’t read your mind. You can become distant and sad. You’re afraid of being vulnerable and letting your partner to know you truly, you may hold your feelings to yourself because you’re scared of getting hurt.
3. You let others discourage you from your dreams
When you show up fully for your goals, you allow yourself to do your best to make them happen. You don’t wait for permission from anyone else.
If you hold yourself back you allow others to talk you out of or move you away from your dreams. You can let their own fears influence you and you begin to think that it’s impossible for you to create what you want.
When we act from a position of fear or worry we unconsciously pre-determine failure. This reinforces that people were right, but actually it was your acceptance of their fear that influenced the outcome of something that you didn’t want.
4. You ignore your finances
When we ignore money, that is, you don’t know how much money you have or you’re the type of person who doesn’t pay bills on time, you can’t expect money to flow freely.
So How do we stop it
Reframe negative thoughts
Having negative thoughts is not necessarily the problem, it’s when we believe those thoughts are true it becomes a problem.Getting 'stuck in your head' and negative thoughts will steer you further away from what you want
So when you get a negative thought, acknowledge it “here you are again”, give it a label if you want and Let it Go, it’s of no consequence to you and not being helpful.
Instead think about what is one good thing about this, no matter how minor, turn it into a positive thought.
Anxious thoughts and worry
We project our mind into the future and the “What if” scenarios of what could go wrong or nothing good will happen. These are vague thoughts.
Realistically what is the worst that could happen? Look at it from a firm standpoint, be specific and often you will realise the worst that can happen isn’t all that bad.
Self criticism and constantly beating yourself up
In reality you’re probably the only one doingthis to yourself
Focus outwards and on someone else, add positivity to their lives, be kind, help out, just be there (listen).
Allow yourself to be vulnerable
To be vulnerable, to be our true self, to honestly verbalise our emotions when asked by others or ourselves is to be STRONG.
Have gratitude for what we take for granted
It is easy to forget the positive things in life when we become negative. Even the smallest mundane things we forget how positive they are.
Start to notice these when you wake up in the morning.
Even before you get out of bed think of the positive things in your life. That’s one for a start, you’re in a bed and no doubt with cosy blankets for cold nights, a roof over your head to keep the wind and rain off. There will be clean running water in the taps and then there will be food in the cupboard for breakfast..........that’s five, just in one small sentence!
How you start the day often sets the tone of the day.
You know what I mean, “you got out on the wrong side” and it stays with you all day, being negative makes it hard to turn around. On the other hand starting in a positive frame of mind makes it easier to keep that momentum throughout the day.